Adios, 2016

In the grander scale of things, 2016 sucked ass - big time. These political wars polluted our dashboards with stupidity and hate. A lot of people were killed, families lost homes, children lost their smiles. Celebrities died this year - icons that took a big part in inspiring and developing our society.

Chaos, that's probably all there was in 2016.

NOT.

If I were to encapsulate my whole year in one word, I wouldn't be using "chaos". Perhaps a better choice to use would be "change". At the beginning of this year I was in transition of moving up my career ladder. From being a nursing assistant for nearly 6 years, I finally became a nurse. There was a lot to learn and realities about this industry revealed in front of my curious, keen observing eyes. I realized and discovered a lot of bullshit hiding beneath the smiling faces and ever so caring industry. I transferred to a different facility, lost and gained connections. Sometimes losing people along your journey are inevitable. Some of them you regret and some are necessary - for your sanity. Still, I remain in transition. There is still a lot to learn and ladder steps to make.

Happier.

If you would consider that a "change" - yes,  I am happier this year. Despite all the drama and chaos, hell to the fucking yes, I am happier.

I am in love!

If that doesn't change anything then I don't know what will. You know when you've found your person. She is that one person that can make any bad day feel like a bright holiday for you; that person that tolerates your imperfections; and most importantly, she challenges you to be the better version of yourself. I found the love of my life last year and became officially mine this year. Just thinking of how much I love this woman puts me into trance. There are definitely no words.

So yeah, in the grander scale of things, 2016 sucked ass but you know, life is life. Things will still keep happening on a cause-and-effect basis. At least, amidst all these chaos, I still have my love, my family, and my real friends. After all, they are your irreplaceable treasure - the real prize of this lifelong pseudo race to success. 2016 might have sucked, but heck, I still won.

kapiling ko ang mga ulap
kapag ikaw ay kayakap
ang dampi ng iyong mga labi
sa aking pisngi
nagiiwan ng marka
nagpipinta ng ngiti
ang pagibig mo ay bulaklak
na hindi natutuyot
may samyo ng pagsinta
hanggang sa huling talulot
ikaw ang mainit na yapos ng araw
ikaw ang maginhawang haplos ng gabi
ikaw ang mundo
ang aking buhay
ang nagiisang bumubuo
sa aking daigdig
ikaw, mahal ko
ang nagiisa kong pagibig

last year i got you a hat that you never wore. that's alright. i bought the same paper bag this year but this time i got you something that i know you're gonna use and you're gonna like. :)

i barely know you then. it has been a year - a crazy year. looking back through everything we did together, all the places we went together, all the memorable moments, makes me feel like we've known each other forever. we discovered almost everything about each other and our relationship grew from awkward friendship to this level that we can't even explain. right now, we're still growing and discovering new things, and i'm happy that you're still with me.

i'm not your boyfriend, but you are the love of my life. 

you have all of my love and my trust and my faith in you. i know i don't have to prove this to you and i promise you that we will never come to that point that i have to. 

you are my greatest blessing, my most precious treasure - my one and only princess. 

happy birthday, baby. 

i love you very much! 

"what would you be doing if you never met me?"

"i'd still be a nurse but i'd be workingmy ass off with two or three jobs and not have a life."

"why, do you have a life right now?"

"yeah, right here lying beside me."

it's funny how many times had we tried to let go and yet we're still here. i'd like to think that maybe, just maybe, we're bound to be together.

I have faith in our love. 

Many people wonder what the hell is going on between the two of us - and that's something they might not understand at all. I mean, all they ask is the label they want to put on us but why would I care? Let them wonder. All I know is that we're happy and we're constantly growing. That's all that matters to me.

Our love is real and not insecure. We're free and we don't have to put our relationship in a box with a label on it - with instructions and what not. We're so much better than that. 

been a while :)

I'm sitting here inside a mcdonalds, contemplating about life and what not. I have a thousand bucks in my wallet and they will all be gone by today - ya know, bills and debts. I admit I kinda messed up with the big choices that I had made in the past and I'm paying the price - forgive the pun. But do I regret those choices? For a fraction of truth, I'd say yes but during the moment that I was there making those bad decisions, I was happy. Everything didn't happen the way I hoped they would but if you look at the brighter side, hey, I grew a lot wiser and stronger. Yes, I learned the hard way but that's what happens when you're an introvert and there's nobody to guide you. You learn by taking your own steps. 

8 years ago I was just a lost kid. From a grown well educated scholar in the Philippines I became a FOB kid who doesn't know anything about the society he's moved in. Nobody took me or even bothered to ask me about continuing my education. 2 weeks in the US and I already found myself working in a carseat factory with people way older than me of different cultures and dialects. I got depressed and I got stuck. From there a lot of issues kicked in and the loud and friendly me became the introvert ass blogger who'd rather stay home or keep a small group of peers around.

A lot of things happened through those 8 years and I'm glad to say that I benefited from all of them in some ways. I lost a lot of money and cut a lot of toxic people off. In the end, I learned from all of those good and bad experiences. I found the real people that I'd keep in my life and I found the path that I'm now taking towards the better life that I want to live in.

Somehow I grew up and now I guess I can say that I can talk to more people now. I found myself and developed into a nurse and now working on my first novel as well.

Most importantly,

I found my way back to God.

I am now happy. 

That 3AM feels.

when i become a dad in the future, i'm gonna make sure I will be the best person in my kid's eyes. i'm gonna be the hero and the bestfriend they will forever have. i'm gonna be part of their lives every step of the way. and when that time comes that i'm gonna pass, they will drop everything else just to be at my bedside when i die.

seeing you happy and progressing makes my heart melt. I love you so much.

In an intellectually evolving world of skeptics, I am growing with my faith strong and intact.

You, my Lord, is my rockstar.

No, I'm not a photographer nor anyone who would know anything about photography - there's your disclaimer. lol

I just love taking pictures of beautiful scenes especially nature.

The untouched beauty of their natural colors blending together in ways I didn't expect they would. 

They are so beautiful it makes your mind relax and ponder on the greatness of His art. 

How the different could coexist just like the calm sea gull and the raging waves of  the pacific ocean.

How beautiful the world would be if all colors could blend together in peace. 

I get it, you are independent. 

That doesn't mean I can't treat you like a princess that you are.

I love you. Let me express that in every way possible. 

kumustahan chuchu

Hello mga readers na di lalampas ng lima! Kumustahan na naman tayo!

Patapos pa lang ang ikalawang buwan ng taon pero parang pa-quota na agad ang dating ng blessings sa buhay ko. Ibang iba ang transition na ito kaysa noong last year na ang tina-transition ko e ang sarili ko mula sa "dark" days na lunod sa bisyo at depresyon. Di nga ako nagkamali, kahit medyo out of impulse ang pag-enroll ko sa nursing e alam kong ito ang pinakamabuting desisyon na nagawa ko sa buong buhay ko. Last year hinahanap ko pa ulit ang sarili ko, ngayon e buong buo na naman and I guess I can say na I'm strong enough to be devastated by any kind of adversity.

Nahanap ko na ulit ang sarili ko bilang isang anak ng Diyos.

The moment that I let Him take charge of my life again was the moment everything started to fall into the right places. I finished school on time while still working night shifts. I passed the boards and now I'm employed as a licensed nurse. All of these are impossible if not because of Him and this one beautiful angel that He sent me. She helped me find my way to God and after that, the path towards our goals became crystal clear. Iba ang isang relasyon na may matibay na pundasyon - one that has God in its center. At oo, I'm talking about relationships here kahit na ba walang labels labels ang ano namin ni ano. Basta.

Yun lang naman, update update lang tayo dahil nakuha ko na ulit itong laptop ko. Yasssss! Kung nakasubaybay ka man sa teleserye ng buhay ko, eto, maraming mga bagong magaganap ngayong taon. Abangers ka lang muna dyan, nakikibasa ka lang naman. hehehe. :)

O sya, babush!

Finally, officially :)

when you live somewhere else long enough, your idea of home transforms. home is not a place where you came from anymore.

as time goes by, you slowly immerse yourself with the unfamiliar as you eventually detach yourself from what you were used to. you adapt and you grow as the roots of your personality attach deeper and deeper in a different level of ground.

now, when you think of home. it is not a place anymore.

home is where your heart beats with the rhythm of your calm soul. your mind wanders but not lost. home is not just a place but a venue of peace and untainted happiness.

this is home.

may it be where the sun sets,

a coffee shop,

or on someone's chest...

you know when you're home. 

i want to be the one who will push you at the edge of the cliff

i want to be the one to witness you fly

the one who will satisfy your thirst

for answers

for peace

the one who will spark up your passion

the fuel to your flame

i want to be the one who makes you happy

every single day

every single quantifiable eternity

on what ifs and could have beens

WHAT IF:

I never left the Philippines and carried on with my life in speech pathology and dancing?

the manufacturing company I worked for in Livermore never closed and I didn't have to enter the field of healthcare?

my ex didn't leave me and I carried on with my business at home or pursued medical billing/coding as I initially planned?

I didn't enroll myself in nursing school out of impulse - as my way of getting myself out of depression phase?

What if.

Although I'm sure that in those different parallel realities that could've happened, I'm doing well, I'm still confident that this present universe that I am in right now is far better that the others. Those are the biggest twists that made my life take sharp turns in different directions. These are the moments that took me into depths of confusion and sorrow that made my spirit a great swimmer; broke my heart into pieces, thus making it no longer breakable but malleable. I am now wiser, stronger, and happier.

Those were my crossroads - the string of events that lead me to this present.

Lastly, what if I never fought for my love and just gave up on you? 

It's intruiging but I'm utterly apathetic to see how different it would be if any of these "what ifs" happened.

My answer?

I'm glad they never did.

The sunset sky offered beautiful hues. You told me to look at the view but I couldn't move - I'd rather stare at you.

you are the only paradox that my life fathoms. 

you are the madness that keeps me alive. 

you are my serene place where minds can sleep.

i will never run out of poetry for you

my heart breathes words at the sight of you


your eyes transcending beauty


your lips soft and shiny


your voice speaking innocence and maturity


i love the silly


i love the witty


i love the sweet


i love the bold and honest you


my heart breathes words


as i think of you


i will never run out of poetry


no, not for you

you never stop being beautiful. seriously.

i'm so in love right now, that it's hurting my brain. the sight or even just the thought of you is blissfully breathtaking.

xmts :3

Si Hayao Miyazaki ay nakilala sa mga animated movies niya dahil sa kakaibang mga istorya at husay ng focus niya sa mga detalye. 

Hindi siya yung tipikal na kartunista lang na basta nagkukwento gamit ang mga drawing. In fact, sinabi niya sa isang interview dati na hindi siya nagsusulat ng isang buong screenplay para sa pelikula - hinahayaan niya ang pelikula na dumaloy lang at ilantad ang sarili nito nang kusa at malaya.

Naisip ko itong story natin.

We decided to just go with it, no labels or what so ever that will define what we really are to each other. We could be anything. Ang alam ko lang, mahal kita at sabi mo rin naman mahal mo ako. Anything else from that, wala na tayong kasiguraduhan which I think is good. That means every new day is another adventure. Mas okay na siguro yung hindi ako sigurado kung bukas mahal mo pa ako para everyday I will fight for it. 

CHEESEBALLS!

Pero syemps, as much as I want assurance, I want you to realize that we both are strong enough to live without each other but at the same time I'm still hoping that you'd still choose to keep me as I tell myself everyday that no matter how difficult this could become, I will always choose to love you.

Just like the Miyazaki films, wala tayong definitive na screenplay. Hahayaan lang natin ang lovestory natin na dumaloy at ilantad ang sarili nito nang kusa at malaya. 

listening to the same beat; moving forward to the same feat.

#pagibig

nais kong mahiga sa tabi mo at pagmasdan kang mapayapang nahihimbing. handa akong manatiling mulat habang malayang naglalakbay ang iyong sapantaha sa alapaap ng masasaya nating pangarap at mga alaala. mataimtim at malugod na babantayan ang iyong mayuming pagtulog, kawangis ng rosas na kalangitang pinintahan ng araw na papalubog; ang maliit na siwang ng iyong magandang bibig. bibilangin ang bawat butil ng pekas sa iyong mukha habang ibinubulong sa iyo ang pangakong walang bilang ang tutumbas sa aking pagibig. marahan kang hahagkan sa noo kasabay ng pag-usal sa hangin ng aking panalanging di na sana magwakas ang ating gabi. at kung magwakas man, ang nais kong unang matikman sa pagsibol ng panibagong umaga ay ang matamis mong mga labi. ikaw ang hamog na didilig sa kaparangan at ako ang mga dahong nabubuhay sa iyong kagandahan. ikaw ang masiglang pagsikat ng araw at ako ang mga ibong magigising sa ngiti mong nakakasilaw.

ikaw ang una, huli, at gitna. ako ang wakas, ang gita, at ang simula.

sa piling mo, mahal ko, walang araw at walang gabi.

ikaw. ako. tayo.

walang saysay ang magbilang ng oras, kapag ikaw ay katabi.